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Shannon Renee Hawkins

This is somewhere to get the thoughts out of my head

Controversy 

Dealing with someone’s bullshit and settling, or continuing the mad cycle of loneliness? Both leave you miserable at times. #life 

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Depression

Depression isn’t being sad; it’s not just a bad day… depression isn’t an emotion when someone breaks your heart. I hear things Like, “I’m so depressed because of this or that”… 

Depression is when your world is literally falling apart around you and has been for way too long. It’s an accumulation of years and years of just plain hell, being alone, attempting to do everything alone, thinking people will be there for you and they’re Not, so again, you have to do it alone… I’ve raised 2 kids without a father. Almost 21 years technically alone. 

  Depression is when you need laundry soap and have to figure out a way just to get enough $, then make sure the  dogs are okay for me to leave, make sure my daughter is okay, make sure there isn’t anything in the house that will explode in the short time I’m gone,  Do I have enough gas? Do I need my oil changed? What if my car wont start? (I was stuck for 2 days because of this problem last month) Will spending  $5- $8 on detergent take away from other needed necessities? Should I buy toilet paper and dish soap instead? How much gas  am I gonna use to get to the store? If I do go, can I still make it to where I need to be tomorrow??? How much laundry can I do before my water bill is too high? Oooh maybe I have a coupon??? Nope, can’t print out coupons bc internet is too high here and I’m trying to conserve… can’t use the cheap laundry stuff because my daughter breaks out… I should be a mathmatician with all the change I count… 

“Why don’t you get a man?”  I don’t want “a man” I want a best friend… last one I had was in high school. Everyone since then who claimed to have that part in my life, just used me until they found what they thought was better. 

I’m bitter, but I’ve been this way so long it’s in my blood. Takes the place of the iron that’s supposed to be there. 

Oh, and my neurologist said I’m not supposed to drive anymore . .. ummm? I guess Ozzie or Yadi can from now on. Wtf world??? 

The Non-SuperHero Agenda.

Let me break this down for you. There are some men out there that are amazing, great, wonderful; I haven’t had that experience lol. This is one reason why… The Non-Superhero Agenda…

When you’re a single mother, some things are almost, I stated almost, impossible to do alone. Yet, it’s easier to do them alone then ask someone or even think someone will help you… 

Why? 

1. You’re on social media and a guy hits on you or even someone you thought was, a “good guy” ..

2.  You start talking; however, very upfront about not wanting anything. Too busy,  too crazy, not crazy enough… the bottom line was, “no”

3. Man, “challenge accepted”

4. Man, “I’m not like other guys. I understand. Let me show you I’m not like other men and help you with this big project or with that”. 

5. Me, “wonderful, you have no idea how much that will help me”

6. Man, “I’m just that guy”

7. So, man begins his Superhero Agenda by talking himself up, saying sweet shit about you, while continuing to attempt to convince me that he’s, “Not like other guys” 

7. Finally you have to, again, remind them that you’re not interested…

8. This angers them, they turn it around on you and needless to say, you’re still doing everything alone, and now you’re #crazy. 

9. Even the “Great Guys” aren’t so great. 

10. This is MY experience. And it seems to happen way too much. LMAO 

Too Late

Today I realized that regardless of how amazing you are to someone, they will find a fault. Some men cannot handle a strong woman. A woman who lives off of facts and speaks her mind. A woman who lives deeply, cares deeply and hurts even deeper .  The magic of a strong woman cannot be captured by the weak. A weak man will try to bring a strong woman down, and sometimes succeed. Then when he realizes what he had… it’s too late. Don’t take a woman for granted that will spend hours rubbing your back. Keep that bitch. 

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